Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Deconstructing Cosmopolitan:What They Really Mean

Cosmopolitan is a joke. When I was fourteen it seemed really cool and sophisticated to read it; at twenty four I can see it for the trash that it is. If I wanted to read the kind of self obsessed nonsense that is written there I would read my own blog... seriously.

I had to give up buying it at twenty because the use of words like "sexpert" and "sexperiment" had become so prolific they made me want to take a sex toy and stab the said sexperts in the head with it. And now I find these words creeping into magazines I actually like to read.

So for the uninitiated, here is an explanation of what the cover says to sell, because, if you're going to take their opinions as law, you might as well listen to mine.
  1. The Sex Article We Can't Describe Here! Because it is so bad it defies description in any language known to planet Earth. And if we did try, you'd realise it was the same one we've been publishing for the past few years with the wording rejigged. Dress up, do it else where, talking dirty... oh shove off!
  2. Easy, Fun ways to fall in love with your man! Put down the magazine, pick up your self respect. Try and recapture your sense of self that has been brainwashed by this bullshit for months and maybe then you can have some fun together. OR don't try and force yourself to fall in love with someone it's not working with.
  3. 50 Things to Do Butt Naked! Yes, people pay us to write this putrid drivel. Seriously, who cares? And who, if by some freak chance they cared couldn't think these up themself?
  4. Killer Confidence! Make Everyone Wish They Were You! Now this I like the idea of. Cosmopolitan journalist comes out as a psychopath and holds the spoilt-brat "fashionista" office bullies at gun point to make them repent, before killing them and publishing her memoirs in a blood spattered edition of Cosmo. Doubt that's what it's about though...
  5. Lady Gaga's love advice... Get wasted, dress like a sex addicit who has escaped from an asylum and go around asking strangers on the tube if you can take a ride on their disco stick. I don't know about love, but you might get laid...
  6. Speak His Sex Language Maybe it's just me, but I don't really really really go in for this men and women speak a different language thing. Maybe I have a masculine brain. Who knows? Maybe you should just stop over thinking what he might mean it and have a conversation with the person you are sharing a bed/bodily fluids with. Just maybe. Saves a lot of hassle.
  7. Weird Reasons You're So Freakin' Tired- You took Gaga's love advice and spent the evening having an orgy on the tube, working really hard to use the advice from the sex article which defied descripton at the same time as trying to decode what all those flailing phalluses were trying to convey. You had to find a covert way of assembling your terrorist gear recommended in the killer confidence article while butt naked, and now you have to worry about date rapists? No wonder you dropped the g on freaking, which, let's face it was a substandard adjective at the best of times.
  8. Date rape- now we've told them that they should go out and wave their dildo in the air to find love, let's scare them back to the kitchen sink with some serious journalism so that they aren't having too much fun to buy next months two hundred pages of junk in the hope that we can emancipate them...

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